Finding myself.....

I am rubbish at relationships, there I said it. I am the first to admit a man could spin me a sob story and win me over. I make men my world I read so many books that my mind now works as a narrative my relationships turn in to a miniature fairytale in my head when reality is far from a fairytale. I act like I am an independent woman and I don't want a man to buy me presents or take me around like he's in control of me. I spoil them and buy them lavish gifts that I myself don't buy for myself. I try to buy their love I make them love me by treating them so good that they can not question whether I am a good girlfriend. But I'm stupid and I have been hurt so many times by the people that are meant to love me unconditionally that I try to find replacements for them by buying love from a man or a boy because a man is someone that is grown enough not to need a sob story to get you to fall for him in the first place. I just want someone to look after me, somewhere I can rest my head at night in the arms of a man that actually appreciates my opinion and respects me not because I buy him gifts but because he knows and values me. I don't need a man that is broke, a man that drinks every Friday night and parties around friends that equally like him do not work, I deserve a man that like me is ambitious a man that cares about his appearance and the appearance of his woman. A man that is strong in his opinion and demands the attention of everyone in the room just by his presence. I need a successful man, a man willing to work all night and day to accomplish his own personal success a man that admires my work a man that encourages me and is proud of my accomplishments and a man that comes home to me and laughs with me and talks with me about his day and takes me to bed knowing he loves me no matter what. I don't want fairytale's I want reality. But I need to change a habit of a lifetime I need to stop finding men that treat me like shit, I need to stop allowing men to walk all over my finances and equally my emotions. I need to start preparing to be the woman I have fought so hard in my life to be I need to find my motivation again. I have to want to wake up every morning and be happy with myself. Go to sleep at night on my own and not feel alone and crave a hug. The man that fills my life needs to be worthy of a woman like me and right now I have made my worth so small I've lost track of how big it is. I need to start accomplishing the successes I use to and find my footing again because I deserve that Olympic gold medal because I have worked hard, been a good person and treated people with kindness and not been a bitch in spite of how I have been treated in life. I need to take control of my life again.