Losing yourself in the midst of life....

Growing up is not easy, we are told the paths we are meant to follow. We start life being taught everything from going to the toilet to brushing our teeth, slowly we start to accomplish things on our own, the simple tasks first and then everything gets a step harder. We start school and get taught how to read and write, taught how to pass exams and told the level that we are meant to achieve to be smart or successful. some of us stay in education for a long time. This whole process of life is just a process of what you are meant to do. Its so easy to lose yourself in the stages of this, the worry that if you step off the path you will no longer be at the level of your peers, the worry that if you find yourself and everyone thinks you've changed for the worst, how do you block out all these voices and just be comfortable being you. I've lived a very independent life, I have struggled to find myself and who I am. I have experimented to test my boundaries and I have lived a life that is not planned out step by step. I have fallen so far off the path that I no longer have a vision of where I am going. But I am still the machine the world orchestrated my life, I finished school and went on to University and now I am in my final year and I am lost. Not only lost in the sense of finding my next step in life but I feel like I am at a standstill in my life and I know I am nearing the end. I am getting closer to what I have worked my whole life for but my brain has suddenly lost momentum. The speed that everyone walks being in their final year I have lost the willingness to work I have lost. I am like an athlete who is one hurdle away from the Olympic gold medal and I have faltered and lost my footing, I have lost my place at the top or so it feels like. Time has slowed down, nothing matters any more the way it use to, food does not taste the same any more, success does not feel exhilarating the way it use to. I am at a standstill at the most crucial point of my life and I feel like a sinking shit with no life boat or a life jacket in site. I have lost myself while living life, how is that even possible? It's as though someone came through the window of my bedroom and stole the person I was straight from my body.

Finding myself.....

I am rubbish at relationships, there I said it. I am the first to admit a man could spin me a sob story and win me over. I make men my world I read so many books that my mind now works as a narrative my relationships turn in to a miniature fairytale in my head when reality is far from a fairytale. I act like I am an independent woman and I don't want a man to buy me presents or take me around like he's in control of me. I spoil them and buy them lavish gifts that I myself don't buy for myself. I try to buy their love I make them love me by treating them so good that they can not question whether I am a good girlfriend. But I'm stupid and I have been hurt so many times by the people that are meant to love me unconditionally that I try to find replacements for them by buying love from a man or a boy because a man is someone that is grown enough not to need a sob story to get you to fall for him in the first place. I just want someone to look after me, somewhere I can rest my head at night in the arms of a man that actually appreciates my opinion and respects me not because I buy him gifts but because he knows and values me. I don't need a man that is broke, a man that drinks every Friday night and parties around friends that equally like him do not work, I deserve a man that like me is ambitious a man that cares about his appearance and the appearance of his woman. A man that is strong in his opinion and demands the attention of everyone in the room just by his presence. I need a successful man, a man willing to work all night and day to accomplish his own personal success a man that admires my work a man that encourages me and is proud of my accomplishments and a man that comes home to me and laughs with me and talks with me about his day and takes me to bed knowing he loves me no matter what. I don't want fairytale's I want reality. But I need to change a habit of a lifetime I need to stop finding men that treat me like shit, I need to stop allowing men to walk all over my finances and equally my emotions. I need to start preparing to be the woman I have fought so hard in my life to be I need to find my motivation again. I have to want to wake up every morning and be happy with myself. Go to sleep at night on my own and not feel alone and crave a hug. The man that fills my life needs to be worthy of a woman like me and right now I have made my worth so small I've lost track of how big it is. I need to start accomplishing the successes I use to and find my footing again because I deserve that Olympic gold medal because I have worked hard, been a good person and treated people with kindness and not been a bitch in spite of how I have been treated in life. I need to take control of my life again.